11. July 2007

What they Mean by Saying this

1.”We will do it” means “You will do it”

2.”You have done a great job” means “More work to be given to you”

3.”We are working on it” means “We have not yet started working on the same”

4.”Tomorrow first thing in the morning” means “Its not getting done “At least not tomorrow!”

5.”After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views” means “I have already decided, I will tell you what to do”

6.”There was a slight miscommunication” means “We had actually lied”

7.”Lets call a meeting and discuss” means “I have no time now, will talk later”

8.”We can always do it” means “We actually cannot do the same on time”

9.”We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline” means “The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time.”


10.”We had slight differences of opinion “means “We had actually fought”

11.”Make a list of the work that you do and let’s see how I can help you” means “Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me”

12.”You should have told me earlier” means “Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!”

13.”We need to find out the real reason” means “Well I will tell you where your fault is”

14.”Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected,” means, “Well you know…”

15.”We are a team,” means, “I am not the only one to be blamed”

16.”That’s actually a good question” means “I do not know anything about it”

17.”All the Best” means “You are in trouble”

21. June 2007

Top 10 Best Of E-Mail Auto-Reply

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
 
2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
 
4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
 
5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
 
6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
 
7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
 
8: Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
 
9: Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.
 
10: I’ve run away to join a different circus.

20. June 2007

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T)

Memo to all staff:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees,
it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our  program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T)
We  are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel  that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course,
please see your  supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H..I.T list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get
all the S.  H. I. T. you can handle.
Employees who don’t take their S. H. I.T. will be placed in   DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS ( D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go  to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T ).
Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don’t have to take S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already…
If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of
LEADERS  (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).
For  employees who are intending to pursue a career in management  and consulting,  we will refer you to the department of :
MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T).
 
This  course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E . S.H.I.T
 
If  you have further questions, please direct them to  our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).
       Thank  you,
      BOSS  IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
   
P.S.  Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life
 
Thank  you for your time.
Sincerely,
The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training. (The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T).
 

08. June 2007

Check Your Typing Speed — Fingerjig

Fingerjig is a 6 minute game that tests your typing prowess. Words are randomly chosen from a dictionary of over 70,000. You must try to type them as quickly and accurately as you can!

The average score for Fingerjig is 476,983. If you can beat this then you’re doing well!

via

06. June 2007

Going For an Interview be Prepared for these Questions too….

Story I
 E: Do u have a boyfriend?
 C: I have.
 E: Is he working Locally?
 C: No. He is working Overseas.
 E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u!
 C: Why?
 E: U will not be able to settle down here permanently.
 And my Company don’t want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls
just because of u.

 
 Story II
 E: Any girl friends?
 C: No.
 E: So far chased any before?
 C: Have, but not successful.
 E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a
 girlfriend?
 C: Career is first priority. Currently didn’t want to consider This
 personal issue.
 E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u.
 C: Why?
 E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!

 
 Story III
 E: Any girlfriends?
 C: Yes.
 E: Is she pretty?
 C: Not quite.
 E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
 C: Why? Will this affect your company’s reputation?
 E: No, it does not affect the company’s reputation but because My
 company is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.

 
 Story IV
 E: Any girlfriends?
 C: Yes.
 E: Is she pretty?
 C: Yes.
 E: Is she your first lover?
 C: Yes.
 E: Sorry, we can’t employ you because you lack of fighting spirit.
 
 Story V
 E: Any girlfriends?
 C: Yes.
 E: Is she your first lover?
 C: No. Have a few already.
 E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a “grasshopper”!
 (Job hoper lah!)
 
 Story VI
 E: Any boyfriends?
 C: Yes.
 E: Is he rich?
 C: No.
 E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our Company is
 dealing with money and you will seduce.
 
 Story VII
 E: Any boyfriends?
 C: Yes.
 E: Is he rich ?
 C: Yes, very rich. He owns a company.
 E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend don’t Even want
 to employ you, neither do we!
 C: But,…… there is no position in his company.
 E: Then,….. what is your qualification?
 C: Secretary!
 E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness Will
 affect our managers’ working spirits.
 C: But,…… I am not pretty at all.
 E: It is even worse because my managers will not be interested In you!!

01. June 2007

Office Humour:HR=HIGHLY RISK.

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increment and no commendation. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager. His manager looked at him, smiled and asked him to sit down saying:”My friend you have not worked here for even a single day.” The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
 

Manager: How many days are there in a year?

Man:365 days and sometimes 366.

Manager:How many hours make up a day?

Man:24 Hours.

Manager:How long do u work in a day?

Man: 10am to 6pm i.e. 8 hours a day.

Manager:So, what fraction of the day do u work in hours?

Man:He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 i.e. 1/3 (one third).

Manager:This is nice of u! What is 1/3rd of 366 days?

Man:122(1/3 x 366=122 in days)

Manager:Do u come to work on weekends?

Man:No sir. 

Manager:How many days r there in a year that r weekends?

Man:52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days.

Manager:Thanks for that. If u remove 104 days from 122 days. how many days do u now have? 

Man:18 days.

Manager:I do give u 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do u have remaining? 

Man:4 days.

Manager:Do u work on Republic Day?

Man: No sir!

Manager:Do u come to work on Independence Day?

Man: No sir!

Manager: So how many days r left?

Man:2 days Sir!

Manager:Do u come to work on New Years Day?

Man:No sir!

Manager: So how many days r left?

Man:1 day sir!

Manager:Do u work on Christmas Day?

Man:No Sir!

Manager: So how many days r left?

Man:None Sir!

Manager:So what r u claiming?

Man: !!!…  Moral-NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!

HR-HIGHLY RISK.

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