Hero is a software engineer. He does not have a life worth speaking of.
He spends eighteen hours a day in the office working and browsing the
net.
Heroine is a software engineer in the same company. She does not have a
life either. She spends eight hours in front of her PC, thirteen hours
in front of the TV and the remaining, sleeping.
One day, Hero meets Heroine in a staff meeting. They argue endlessly
about the insanity of Microsoft applications.. especially Outlook 2003.
Couple of such fights later, Heroine is found drinking coffee with Hero
in Office canteen.
“What is life?” asks the Hero looking at the vacuum right above her
head.
“I’ve been wondering too.” sighs the heroine.
“Why are we fighting over Outlook 2003?” Hero drinks his black coffee.
“And why are we not talking about Lotus NOtes” Heroine sips her Latte.
Hero shakes his head. “It’s not about software products. It is about
life. I guess life is much bigger than OUtlook 2003.”
Heroine nods. “I think it is. I am not sure though. Do you know that
Microsoft has come up with a fix to that bug you’ve been using to prove
Outlook is a worthless piece of garbage?”
“Heroine,” Hero is now determined, “From this moment onwards, I am not
discussing anything remotely related to software.”
“Fine Hero,” says Heroine, “Good bye then.”
Hero then returns all the Sybase manuals to the library and rents out
“how to live a life?”
Heroine meanwhile gets into an altercation with the villain during a
conversation on Sharepoint server. Villain vows to format the hard disk
of the heroine. Heroine takes her PC and runs away from the cubicle
trying to escape from the villain’s evil intentions. Since it is night
shift, no one comes to her rescue.
Hero, who has been reading “how to live a life” very seriously, suddenly
finds out that he loves the heroine as much as he used to love Tetris.
So hero messages Heroine on Yahoo Instant messenger. But there is no
reply. Hero does not understand it. He knows that the heroine is
supposed to be in night shift. What is she doing in Night shift if not
on Yahoo Instant Messenger? As far as he know that is what people are
supposed to do in night shift.
Hero senses trouble. He runs barefooted on the Information Superhighway
and reaches office just in time to see the villain snatch the PC out of
heroine’s hands and type the command “Format C:\”. When his fingers get
to the “Enter” key, hero delivers the killer punch on villain’s face.
Villain is thrown back. But in the process he manages to press the Enter
key…
The world comes to a standstill. The sky roars. The Rain pours.
Heroine breaks down. Villain is on cloud nine. But our Hero isn’t sad.
He is smiling. Villain cannot understand. Hero then says, “Villain, You
should learn DOS properly. Your grave mistake…”. He shows the monitor
to Villain. The DOS command prompt says “Are you sure?”. It is waiting
for a “Y” to commence the formatting operation. Hero then simply presses
“N”.
Villain cries in frustration “Nooooooo” and charges like a bull. Then
follows a lengthy fight. Heroine meanwhile calls the police and they
come right after hero beats the villain to pulp. Without asking any
questions, the police understand who is hero and who is villain and take
him into custody. Heroine, tears in her eyes, takes her PC, switches it
on and jumps with joy when she finds her favorite Calvin and Hobbs
collection in tact in her C drive.
“You saved my data” she exclaims.
“No, you saved it yourself.” hero says.
“No.. Jesus saves. I don’t” she cries.
“Nothing happened na.” Hero consoles.
“Let us get married” heroine sheds some more tears, “I want someone by
my side to protect the Calvin and Hobbscollection on my PC”.
“I love you Heroine” says the hero.
“I love you Hero” says the heroine.
“So you agree that Outlook 2003 is a bad product”.
“No I don’t. Why not we talk about Lotus nOtes?”
The End.
It was a hot meeting at the office conference hall. All the people from the department had been called. The VP was looking much tensed.
The mood was so bad. My friend asked me -”Hey, what is this meeting all about? I told - May be they will decide on when to have the next meeting. People around smiled at each other. Then the VP started talking. It was about the recent attrition rate that was so high. Around 10 people had put in their papers. All experienced guys. It was quarter end and so work was huge. If we do not complete the work on time, we need to be paying heavy penalty said the VP. The VP turned to the manager and told “Hey - take how much ever resources you want. Recruit or take them from other departments. But complete the work in another 25 days. Take people and complete it man.
To this the sweet manager replied “Sir! Give me one wife and nine months and I shall show you results. Don’t give me nine wives and one month. I cannot do anything.” Everyone looked at him blank. The VP was not prepared for this answer. We looked at the manager and thought “What an Awesome Reply man!”
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!”
The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
“Hi, George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine.
Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and said, “This is where your problem is.”
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
“Normal people …. believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.”
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.”
“Both?” they asked.
Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”
Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess; that I’ll stay with you for a weekend and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look. I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”
An ambitious software engineer finally decided to take a vacation. He
booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his
life. At least for a while.
A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost
instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shores of an island with
no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to
four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So, for the next four
months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and
fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the
corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman
he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: “Where
did you come from, and how did you get here?”
“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she said. “I landed here when
my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” the software engineer said, “I didn’t know anyone else had
survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a
rowboat wash up with you.”
“It’s only me,” she said, “and the rowboat didn’t wash up, nothing did.”
He was confused, “Then how did you get the rowboat?”
“Oh, simple,” replied the woman. “I made it out of raw material that I
found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove
the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a
eucalyptus tree.”
“But, but, that’s impossible, “stuttered the man. “You had no tools or
hardware - how did you manage?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” the woman said. “On the south side of the
island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found
that if I fired it to a certain temperature, it melted into forgeable
ductile iron. I used that to make tools, and used the tools to make the
hardware. But enough of that… Where do you live?”
Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the
whole time.
“Well, let’s row over to my place then,” she said.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the
man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the
man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually, “It’s not much, but I
call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?”
“No, no, thank you,” he said, still dazed. “I couldn’t drink another drop
of coconut juice.”
“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have made a still, How
about a Pina Colada?”
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the software engineer accepted, and
they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, “I’m going to
slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to have a shower and a
shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.
“No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in
the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism.
“This woman is absolutely amazing,” he mused. “What next?”
When he returned, the woman greeted him. She beckoned for him to sit down
next to her. “Tell me,” she began suggestively, Slithering closer to him,
brushing her leg against his, “We’ve both been out here for a very long
time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like
doing right now, something you’ve been longing to do for all of these
months.”
She stared into his eyes. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing - this
was like all of his dreams coming true in one day…
“You mean…” he replied, “I can check my e-mail from here?”
*….As narrated by the Girlfriend of a Software Engineer..!!*
Programmer to Team Leader :
“We can’t do this proposed project.**CAN NOT**. It will involve a major
design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy
system.
And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this
application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it,
they can’t. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take
these type of projects.”
Team Leader to Project Manager :
“This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don’t have any
staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is
unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we
take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a
project of this nature.”
Project Manager to 1st Level Manager :
“This project involves a design change in the system and we don’t have
much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are
appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able
to do the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it.”
1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager :
“This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who
have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So
they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this
project,but with caution.”
Senior Level Manager to CEO :
“This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in
remodelling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the
necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some
people have already given in house training in this area to other staff
members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by
us under any circumstances.”
CEO to Client :
“This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have
executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust
me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing
this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this
project successfully and well within the given time frame.
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