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Part One
Part Two
Part Three

  

1. Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. ‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter. ‘You don’t?’ I replied. ‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply. ‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’ ‘That’s right.’ So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
2.  I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those ‘dividers’ that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the ‘divider,’ looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’ I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’ She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’
4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ‘Do you need some help?’ I asked. She replied, ‘I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?’ ‘Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked. ‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk.’
5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use copier machine paper,’ the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.
6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in ‘Twister.’ I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the ‘cruise control’ and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
7. My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with theircomputers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: ‘I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?’
8. Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message ‘He’s lying’ was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the ‘lie detector’ was working, the suspect confessed.
9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergencyroom, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer….. Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency

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So, you’ve got yourself a fancy agency to create the ultimate advertising campaign in that country you’re so desperate to sell your new cars in? A shame they forgot to tell you you don’t stand a chance in advance, since the car name you chose means “cunt”

to the locals. A top ten of badly chosen car names.

1. Mazda Laputa

The person that came up with this name took it from the famous “Gulliver’s Travels” story by Jonathan Swift. To Spanish buyers it didn’t sound so poetic when they went looking for a new car, since it means “the whore”

in their language.

2. Mitsubitshi Pajero

Another Spanish advertising fuck up. Literally. Pajero means “wanker”

 in Spanish.

3. Buick Lacrosse

This car was marketed in both America and Canada. Seems Buick forgot that parts of Canada speak French, in which Lacrosse means “masturbating teenager”. Perhaps it says more about the French that they actually have one word for this… ( Correction Read Comment Number 2 )

4. Chevrolet Nova

Such a large part of the world, and even Chevrolet’s homecountry, speak Spanish. Yet, Chevrolet forgot to check wat Nova means in this language: “No va” translates to “doesn’t go” (Correction Read Comment No 1 )

. Ouch.

5. Opel Ascona

Another one from Spain: Would you ever buy an Opel “Cunt”

  ?

6. Honda Fitta

As in any other part of the world, cunts are quite popular in the land of car advertising. What’s better than a normal cunt? A Swedish or Norwegian cunt! And that’s exactly what “Fitta” mean in these languages. Maybe not such a bad carname after all, me and Robert wouldn’

t mind having one.

7. Daihatsu Charade

Here’s one I’ve always wondered at: Why call a car “charade”

? Is it because it only pretends to be a car? Or just to help their owners speak the truth when someone asks them what car they drive?

8. AMC Gremlin

Uhmm. Ok. I guess AMC was just too busy building cars to realize Gremlin stands for “ugly little monster”

when they launched this car. Funny movie though.

9. Dodge Swinger

Maybe not such a bad car to buy for actual swingers, they might even attract some other folks to have sex with!

10. Ford Pinto

Ok, we’ve had the cunts, let’s have some male company. Pinto means “penis” in Brazil and Portugal. Somehow it doesn’t sound to impressive to my Dutch ears either. I can remember some people who used it as a nickname for their joint…

Originally from 
 

THE WORST HIJACKING

We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most
unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from
his seat, drew gun and took the stewardess hostage.

“Take me to Detroit,” he demanded.

“We’re already going to Detroit,” she replied.

“Oh .. good,” he said, and sat down again.

THE WORST BANK ROBBERY

In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
Scotlandat Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had
to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly
left the building. A few minutes later they returned and announced their
intention of robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them.

When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them,
convinced that it was a practical joke. Then one of the men jumped over
the counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other two
tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors again.

THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE

During the firemen’s strike of1978, the British Army had taken over
emergency fire fighting and on 14 January they were called out by an
elderly lady in South Londonto retrieve her cat which had become trapped
up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their
duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea.
Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat
and killed it!!

LAWYERS Vs INSURANCE

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the
century.

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,
then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having
smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having
made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a
claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the
cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.”

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the
man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued .. and
won!

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was
obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal
process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the
lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the “fires.”

NOW FOR THE BEST PART…

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being
used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his
insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000
fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal
Lawyers Award Contest.

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