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30. January 2009

This is Courage ** Part 2 **

courage

Part 1

14. January 2009

My Wife……………

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. 
She asked, “What’s on TV?” 
 
I said, “Dust.” 
 
And then the fight started. 
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. 
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.” 
 
I bought her a weighing machine. 
 
And then the fight started. 
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… 
 
So I took her to a gas station… 
 
And then the fight started. 
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. 
 
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. 
 
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. 
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. 
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. 
 
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. 
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’, and she processed my Social Security application. 
 
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. 
 
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’ 
 
And then the fight started 
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. 
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’ 
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’ 
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’ 
 
And then the fight started. 
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16. December 2008

Lesson for Men

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of
dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give
you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No,” I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked.

“No,” I don’t waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. “I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in
20 years!”

“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m
going t o take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you
for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.”

26. November 2008

Two Reasons to go to School

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and wake him up. 

MOM: “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.” 
SON: “But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school.” 

MOM: “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.” 
SON: “One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.” 

MOM: “Oh! that’s not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school.” 
SON: “Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?”  
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MOM: “One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.” 

31. July 2008

Forest love – NSFW ( with sound )

07. June 2008

Why I Fired my Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy birthday!”, and possibly have a present for me.As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy birthday”.I thought… well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn’t say a word.So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, “Good morning boss, happy birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.I worked until one o’clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go out to lunch, just you and me”.I said, “Thanks Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”She said, “Let’s go to my apartment”.

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I’ll be right back”.”OK”, I nervously replied.She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake… followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.And I just sat there…On the couch…Naked…

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