Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy birthday!”, and possibly have a present for me.As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy birthday”.I thought… well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn’t say a word.So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, “Good morning boss, happy birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.I worked until one o’clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go out to lunch, just you and me”.I said, “Thanks Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”She said, “Let’s go to my apartment”.

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I’ll be right back”.”OK”, I nervously replied.She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake… followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.And I just sat there…On the couch…Naked…

My wife thinks “freedom of the press” means no-iron clothes.

Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal

 A priest was praying for guidance: Oh God, grant me this knowledge: what is the meaning of life?
For a while, Creation was silent. Then a booming voice, sounding severely pissed-off, shouts from heaven: Read the F*#kin FAQ!

An application for job came in with an applicant’s picture attached. She was a pretty blonde. On the back of the picture was hand written: “Picture on front”.

A politician’s most important ability is to foretell what will happen tomorrow and next month and next year - and to explain afterwards why it didn’t happen.

“Will the father be present during the birth?” asked the obstetrician.
“Nah,” replied the mother-to-be. “He and my husband don’t get along.”

Teacher: Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
Johnny: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, you stupid bastard!

Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.

A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
“Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?” yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and yelled back, “What makes you think these are all mine?”

Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn’t spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
woman and says, ‘Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?’
‘Reading a book,’ she replies, (thinking, ‘Isn’t that obvious?’)
‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her
‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading’
‘Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment.  I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’
‘For reading a book,’ she replies,
‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her again,
‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading’
‘Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment.  I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’
‘If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with $e^ual assault,’ says
the woman.
‘But I haven’t even touched you,’ says the game warden.
‘That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment.’
‘Have a nice day ma’am,’ and he left.