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10. January 2007

frustrated husband

A woman awakens during the night to find that her husband was not in

bed. She goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in

front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the

wall.


She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his

coffee. “What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the
room.

“Why are you down here at this time of night?” The husband looks up

from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and

you were only 18?” he asks solemnly.

“Yes I do” she replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?”

“Yes, I remember” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.

The husband continued.. “Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in

my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to

jail for 20 years?” “I remember that too” she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “I would have been
released today”!!!!!!!!!!!! !!

Understanding Engineers …

Understanding Engineers – Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”


Understanding Engineers – Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers – Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!”
The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
“Hi, George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”
Understanding Engineers – Take Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine.
Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and said, “This is where your problem is.”
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
Understanding Engineers – Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers – Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
Understanding Engineers – Take Seven
“Normal people …. believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.”
Understanding Engineers – Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.”
“Both?” they asked.
Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”
Understanding Engineers – Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess; that I’ll stay with you for a weekend and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look. I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

09. January 2007

The Apple iPhone runs OS X



Capping literally years of speculation on perhaps the most intensely followed unconfirmed product in Apple’s history — and that’s saying a lot — the iPhone has been announced today. Yeah, we said it: “iPhone,” the name the entire free world had all but unanimously christened it from the time it’d been nothing more than a twinkle in Stevie J’s eye Sweet, glorious specs of the 11.6 millimeter device (that’s frickin’ thin, by the way) include a 3.5-inch 480 x 320 touchscreen display with multi-touch support and a proximity sensor to turn off the screen when it’s close to your face, 2 megapixel cam, 4GB or 8 GB of storage, Bluetooth 2.0 with EDR and A2DP, WiFi that automatically engages when in range, and quad-band GSM radio with EDGE. Perhaps most amazingly, though, it somehow runs OS X with support for Widgets, Google Maps, and Safari, and iTunes (of course) with CoverFlow out of the gate. A partnership with Yahoo will allow all iPhone customers to hook up with free push IMAP email. Apple quotes 5 hours of battery life for talk or video, with a full 16 hours in music mode — no word on standby time yet. In a twisted way, this is one rumor mill we’re almost sad to see grind to a halt; after all, The 4GB iPhone will go out the door in the US as a Cingular exclusive for $499 on a two-year contract, 8GB for $599. Ships Stateside in June, Europe in fourth quarter, Asia in 2008.

iPhone is first party software ONLY — i.e. not a smartphone by conventional terms, being that a smartphone is a platform device that allows software to be installed. That means hungry power-users — you know, those people ready and willing to plunk down $600 for an 8GB musicphone — won’t be able to extend the functionality of their phone any more than Apple (but thankfully not Cingular) dictates. Other unfortunate realities about the device:

No 3G. We know you know, but still, it hurts man.
No over the air iTunes Store downloads or WiFi syncing to your host machine.
No expandable memory.
No removable battery.
No Exchange or Office support.

Cast away (Software Engineer …)

An ambitious software engineer finally decided to take a vacation. He
booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his
life. At least for a while.
A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost
instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shores of an island with
no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to
four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So, for the next four
months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and
fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the
corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman
he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: “Where
did you come from, and how did you get here?”
“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she said. “I landed here when
my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” the software engineer said, “I didn’t know anyone else had
survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a
rowboat wash up with you.”
“It’s only me,” she said, “and the rowboat didn’t wash up, nothing did.”
He was confused, “Then how did you get the rowboat?”
“Oh, simple,” replied the woman. “I made it out of raw material that I
found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove
the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a
eucalyptus tree.”
“But, but, that’s impossible, “stuttered the man. “You had no tools or
hardware – how did you manage?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” the woman said. “On the south side of the
island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found
that if I fired it to a certain temperature, it melted into forgeable
ductile iron. I used that to make tools, and used the tools to make the
hardware. But enough of that… Where do you live?”
Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the
whole time.
“Well, let’s row over to my place then,” she said.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the
man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the
man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually, “It’s not much, but I
call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?”
“No, no, thank you,” he said, still dazed. “I couldn’t drink another drop
of coconut juice.”
“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have made a still, How
about a Pina Colada?”
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the software engineer accepted, and
they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, “I’m going to
slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to have a shower and a
shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.
“No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in
the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism.
“This woman is absolutely amazing,” he mused. “What next?”
When he returned, the woman greeted him. She beckoned for him to sit down
next to her. “Tell me,” she began suggestively, Slithering closer to him,
brushing her leg against his, “We’ve both been out here for a very long
time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like
doing right now, something you’ve been longing to do for all of these
months.”
She stared into his eyes. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing – this
was like all of his dreams coming true in one day…
“You mean…” he replied, “I can check my e-mail from here?”

*….As narrated by the Girlfriend of a Software Engineer..!!*

Intel Joke

There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport

terminal. Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The
gentleman

bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his watch. But

this was no ordinary watch! He touches a tiny button and his
administrative

assistant’s face appears.

He asks her, “Mary, what time is it?” Mary answers instantly and with a

smile!

The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!!

He asks, “What kind of a watch is that?”

“It’s like a TV with two-way real-time communication,” the gentleman

explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel’s

brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.

The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy
this

watch from the gentleman. They agree on a heavy price and the cash was

handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over
and

then walks away.

The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, “Sir, you

forgot your suitcases.”

The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, “No, they are yours now. They
are

the modems you always need to carry for your new watch.

SQL Process For Marriage

ALTER PROCEDURE MyMarriage
@ BrideGroom Char(NotBad),
@ Bride Char(Good)
AS
BEGIN
SELECT distinct BrideGroom FROM US_Bridegrooms
WHERE
US_Status_ BrideGroom in ( ‘Citizen’ ,’Green_Card’) AND
US_Status_FatherInLaw = null AND
US_Status_MotherInLaw = null AND
BrideGroom = ‘Millionaire’ AND
FatherInLaw = ‘Millionaire’ AND
HouseCount _US > 2 AND
HouseCount _INDIA > 2 AND
House_Location_India in (‘Chennai’,’Mumbai’,’Bangalore’,’Delhi’,’Hyderabad’) AND
House_Location_USA in (‘MA’,’VA’,’WA’,’IL’,’NJ’,’NY’,’CA’) AND

HouseStatus _US =’TwoStoreyed’ AND
HouseStatus _INDIA =’TwoStoreyed’ AND
CarCount _US > 2 AND
CarCount _INDIA > 2 AND
BridegroomEduStatus in (‘MS’,’PHD’) AND Mother_in_Law_EduStatus=null AND
HavingBrothers=’NO’ AND
HavingSisters =’ No’ AND
AllowRelocate_US_to_INDIA =’NO’
END
GO

/*After Marriage*/
UPDATE Husband_Lookup SET Husband_Type = ‘H P’
insert into MyBankAccout (
SELECT Gold ,Cash,House,Car,BankBalance FROM FatherInLaw
union all SELECT Gold ,Cash, House ,Car,BankBalance FROM Husband )

UPDATE MyBankAccout SET MyBal = MyBal + FatherinLawBal
UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherinLawGold

INSERT INTO MyCarShed VALUES (‘BMW’,’Mercedes’,’Ferrari’)

..
Then the wife writes the below query:
TRUNCATE HUSBAND
TRUNCATE FatherInLaw

TRUNCATE MotherInLaw

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